And Never Say Goodbye: A Town of Destiny Novel Read online

  Dr. Jackson stood and held her hands, waiting for her to cleanse herself. This was her usual routine. She’d sit there and cry, but this time she sobbed. Not the reputation Ice McShane carried.

  “We don’t have to do this, Mallory. He would understand. It wouldn’t be right for a child to come into the world like that.”

  After collecting herself, she let out one last shaky breath and wiped her tears away. “I’ve met someone.”

  “But you’ve been in other relationships.” She sat back down.

  “This one is different. I haven’t told him yet.”

  “Oh, I see. With the others, you’ve laid it all on the line, not caring if they walked.” Smiling, she said, “This one’s special I take it?”

  Mallory nodded, wiping her nose. “But I can’t betray Scott. I promised him.”

  “Listen, let’s postpone for one more month. It’s a good thing you froze your eggs when you were younger, so there’s time.”

  She shook her head. “I’ll talk to him, even if I lose him. I’ll have to take that chance.” She glanced at her folded hands.

  “Maybe he cares enough for you to not care.”

  “Maybe…” But she knew there was no way he’d understand. No man would.

  “Go home and sit him down, give him a glass of wine, and tell him your story. If he’s as special as you feel, then I’m sure he’ll want to understand.”

  “Thanks, doc. Sorry to waste another day for you. I keep doing this.” She stood and grabbed her purse.

  She smiled. “Like I said, I’d rather you be sure than bring a child into the world that’s not…well, just make sure is all.” She hugged Mallory before walking to the door. “It’s going to be okay.”

  Nodding and straightening her shoulders, she followed and made another appointment at the desk before exiting to her car. Speckles of sunlight glinted through the windshield, forcing her to put her sunglasses on. She decided she’d go to Lawson’s house, maybe take a nap with him before she vomited her ugly news on him.

  ***

  She tiptoed into his house, greeted by Sadie’s excited dance to see her. “Hey, girl. Where is he, in bed?” She traipsed up the stairs and pushed his door open to find him on his stomach, only a sheet covering him.

  As she undressed, she admired his form and the muscles in his back. The sight of him like that brought her body to attention, awakening it in the memory of being with him only the other night.

  Sliding inside the cold sheet, she warmed up next to him, lifting his arm around her and watching him sleep. He looked so peaceful, so happy. Just as she closed her eyes, she heard him speak.

  “McShane.” His hand roamed her body, sending chills throughout. “I was just dreaming about you.” He pulled her closer and nestled his face into her throat.

  “Stop. Go back to sleep. I wanted to nap with you.” Who was she kidding? Her body ached for his touch.

  He positioned himself between her legs, cupping her face. “Let’s make a baby.” Rubbing himself against her, he nuzzled her neck, moving down.

  Laughing, she slapped at him. “Go get it.”

  “No.” He grinned. “I want a baby with you. I dreamed we had one…a little girl.”

  The thought was intoxicating and sizzled her nerves. She wanted so much to let him enter her without any protection, take away any decision she had to make. Figured it was in God’s hands, right? Just let it go and no worries. If it happened, it was meant to be.

  Besides, she was so crazy for him in this moment, she’d let him do anything to her. Wanted to inhale him into her and never let go. She reached down but then shook her head. “No, get a condom or no fun.” Panting against his mouth, feeling his heart pound against hers, his hips softly brush her hips, she wanted to explode.

  “Why? Why can’t I make love to you the way it should be? We’re committed, right? Right?” He stopped rocking against her and looked into her eyes. “You know I love you, McShane. More than anything. I’d love to have a child with you.” He moved against her and started to enter her. “I’m not getting any younger.”

  She blocked him with her hand. “I can’t. I made a promise to have Scott’s baby.” She let her head fall against the pillow, not wanting to see his shocked face.

  “What?” He climbed off and lay next to her, tilting her face toward him. “What do you mean by that? Isn’t he…”

  “That’s my promise. We had planned it before he went into surgery.”

  “Wait—surgery? You never told me how he died, Mallory.”

  Wiping a tear away, she turned to him. “He was having a heart transplant…something went wrong…they said it was sudden acute…”

  “Rejection.”

  “Yes.”

  “Jesus.” He ran his hand through his hair.

  “He was only twenty-five, Lawson. I married him knowing how sick he was. I wanted to take care of him, but he hated the idea. So when his name was called on the list, we jumped for joy.” She glanced at him to find him staring at the ceiling, a crushed look on his face. “I cared for him, Lawson, but not the same as I do for you. It’s different.”

  “Don’t worry about my feelings now. I can live with that. I’m worried about this promise you made him. He actually asked you to carry his kid, even if your life changed? If you had met someone else? Did he think you’d pine for him the rest of your life?”

  She sat up and placed her hand on his chest. His heart beat fast against her palm. “At the time, I didn’t see another future for me. I thought that’d be it. We were young, and I didn’t think he’d die in surgery.” Tears sliced down her face.

  His eyes met hers and he sat up to hold her. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to understand, baby. I really am. It just sounds so…selfish.” He wiped her tears.

  “I didn’t see it like that then. His parents were so happy I agreed. They wanted a grandchild from their only son, to carry on the name, in case something was to happen. I feel I owe it not only to him but to them, too. They call every so often asking if I’ve done anything yet.”

  “Is that where you were today? Discussing the plan?”

  She nodded. “And now that I know you want children with me, how can I do that to you? How can I have this procedure done and carry another man’s baby and expect you to watch? I can’t do that, Lawson.”

  “So you’ve decided to go ahead with it? You don’t care how I feel?”

  “Of course I care, but what would you do?”

  “I’d tell those people I changed my mind and that I met someone. Easy as that. Done.”

  “No you wouldn’t. That’s not who you are. And it’s not who I am.” She rolled out of bed and bent to pick up her clothes.

  “Where’re you going? Don’t leave.”

  She whipped her shirt on and shimmied into her jeans. “I need time to think this through. I can’t just make a decision like that, but either way, someone’s going to get hurt.”

  His voice shook. “I don’t want to lose you, Mallory. I’ll do whatever it takes, but don’t end us. I couldn’t take that.” He wrapped the sheet around his waist and met her by the door. “I’d die without you.” He kissed her and hugged her close.

  “Believe me. This is something I’ve been dealing with for ten years. It’s made a mark on my soul and changed me into someone I never wanted to be. People stay away from me because of the soil they see.”

  “Don’t you ever talk like that about yourself again. You hear me? People stayed away because of the wall you’ve built to protect yourself.”

  Ignoring his words, she continued, “This was why I didn’t want you to love me. I knew this day would come. I wish I were a different type of person and could walk away from the promise, but I’m not and I can’t.” She opened the door and let Sadie inside. “You should try to find someone who doesn’t have a warped history, someone like Sammy who’d love to be with you.”

  “Are you serious? You think I could so easily fall for someone else, give my heart when it’s alread
y yours? I’ll go back to being a bachelor. Sadie will be my only girl. If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone. I’ll die a lonely old man. Get it, McShane?”

  She nodded, her chin quivering.

  “And what will you tell people when they see your pregnant belly? Some deadbeat douche knocked you up? That’ll give them something to talk about, wondering who’s the father.”

  She wiped her cheeks. “I didn’t really think about that.”

  “Oh, I know you didn’t.” He grabbed her hands and kissed them. “Stay with me, and I’ll be the father.”

  “You’d play daddy to a baby not even yours? That’s crazy.”

  “That’s what I am! Crazy for you, you nutsy woman!”

  She shook her head. “I can’t let you do that. You’d grow to resent the baby. I’ve always planned on having it alone. My parents were a little concerned because they knew it’d be hard, but I’m older now and can handle it. I was only a kid back then.”

  “Damn, you’re stubborn! You know what? I won’t be waiting here for you while you ponder your future without me. I don’t need that. We can go back to working together like we did before, bumping into each other with snarling insults, only this time it’ll be real. It won’t be a flirty kind of thing.”

  She reached out to touch his face. “I’ve hurt you. I’m so sorry, Lawson. I never meant to…”

  He raised his hand to stop her. “Don’t. And you can go back to calling me Gallagher. Did you look on the board yet? Three cases going on right now. I’m sure I’ll bump into you sometime tonight, but don’t worry, I’ll look the other way. Better get some sleep.”

  She stared at him, wanting to throw her arms around him and stop him from saying anything else stupid. His eyes looked like black stones. “I’m sorry, Lawson…Gallagher.”

  He flinched before he resumed his hard glare until she retreated down the stairs not looking back. “Even if you decided not to go through with the pregnancy, you need to let your past go…let Scott go to make room for anyone else.”

  She wanted to respond, but he closed the door. There was nothing left for Scott in her heart, right? She did let him go long ago. Or did she?

  ***

  She lifted the heavy service door to the barn, waving any dust and smoke out of her face as the wind scattered it. The thought of going through those boxes after so long made her sick. It was something she avoided day-after-day. Especially after her parents’ death two years ago.

  This was when she needed a brother or sister, someone to help alleviate the stress and guilt that imbued her. On her knees, she opened one box that held the past. Yearbooks that captured casual and posed photos of her and her friends and of her with Scott, laughing and goofing off. They were the popular couple, the one that would make it to the end. Cheering for Destiny High Wildcats while he played football.

  Lord knew they tried, but fate stepped in and gave them a different direction. She laughed at them in one of the pictures at a Halloween dance dressed as clowns. They had so many things to laugh at then, had their whole life ahead of them. When Scott was diagnosed with a virus in his heart after complaining of the flu, everything changed.

  He had seemed healthy all through high school, so it was shocking when they discovered he had a weakened heart muscle. She shook her head remembering when he’d ask her to listen to his heart beat, saying it would slow down and then pick up. Would joke and say that’s what she did to him. Thought he was just being his dramatic self.

  But then when they told him it was myocarditis, it all began to make sense. His wacky sore throats, leg pain that she’d massage for him, and being tired like an old man. He was told no more sports, had to give up football, and he loved his football.

  Right after college, he took her to the bleachers where she’d cheer him in his games, where they’d make out underneath, where he first told her loved her. Scott brought her back there one summer night and got down on one knee, one sore knee, and he proposed.

  The pictures blurred before her. Not realizing it, tears ran down her face and into the yearbooks, prom garter belt, teddy bears he had given to her that still smelled of him, or at least the cologne he used to wear, stale but still there.

  After replacing everything in the school year box and closing it back up, she tackled the next box—their wedding. A dusty photo album that carried happy times, walking down the aisle on her proud father’s arm, her mom’s wide smile beaming across the church, and Scott, so handsome, with his chestnut brown hair curling up at the collar, his eyes the color of cocoa with a hint of green, and the tears that glistened in them as he looked at her.

  The church had been crowded with all their family and friends. So many pictures of people hugging her, people she could barely remember now. Glasses suspended in the air for the beautiful couple, their first dance, all of it so clear in her memory yet so far like it never happened. Another lifetime.

  And then he was placed on the list, a list so many others were on. A list she understood more fully now than she did then. The angst of waiting for the right donor or any donor if your name finally came up, but it’d have to be a good match.

  They had lived in a small rented house while she went to paramedic school. She was inspired by how the EMTs handled things when called, how helpful they were with Scott, how compassionate, that she knew that was what she wanted to do with her life, never knowing it’d lead her to the world of organ donation…a world she was running from.

  She cared for him with all her heart and took care of all his needs, asking the doctors questions of what to do more for him, dispensing his medicine in his short life. Clearing her throat, she put the album back and reread some of the cards and letters he had written her—some making her laugh and some making her cry.

  Stretching her legs out and leaning against the wall, she held a notebook and remembered the day he made her promise. It was a dreary day, raining from morning to night. He had called her into their bedroom, a room that was more for sleeping than loving, and asked her to sit on the bed with him.

  He grabbed her hand and smiled. “Mal, I know you don’t want to hear this,” he said through coughs, “but I need you to do something for me.”

  She handed him his glass of water from the table. “What is it? You know I’d do anything.” She kissed his hands and gave a brave smile.

  “If I don’t make it or if I don’t live past the three-year mark for survival…”

  “Don’t talk like that. I won’t listen.”

  He drank his water. “Listen, babe. I’ve had my sperm frozen so that I can still have a child with you.”

  She backed away, letting his hands drop. “What? Why would you do that without telling me?”

  “It was an easy procedure where they just extracted it while I was in the hospital. I asked Dr. Lewis, and he advised me of what I needed to do. It’s in a sperm bank now, all safe and ready for your perfect eggs.” He gave a lopsided smile.

  “Nothing’s going to happen to you, but even so, you’d want me to have a baby on my own…without you?”

  “Yes. Lots of patients do it, like cancer patients, people in the military. They checked to make sure my sperm was viable, and it was. I’d get you pregnant now if I could.” He grinned, raising his brows up and down.

  “I can’t believe you’re joking about your death! This is sick, Scott. I don’t want to think about that.” She started to get up, but he pulled her down.

  “Please, Mallory? It’s my only hope. My only chance to live on in this world. Might even have twins.”

  “Oh, perfect. Raising your twins by myself.” But she was laughing, which had made him laugh. “That’s all I need—two of you running around.” It had felt good to see him laugh again, with his dark circles under his eyes and pale skin.

  “And with a football. I love that idea. Don’t you?”

  She looked into his eyes and shook her head. “I love you, Scott McShane, but you drive me nuts sometimes. You really do.”

  He gri
nned. “I already know that. Well?”

  She nodded. “Of course I will. Like I said, I’d do anything for you. If that’ll make you happy, then I’m happy, but you’re going to be fine. I’m not worried. Won’t even need to use that sperm.”

  He sat up and squeezed her with weak arms, planting kisses on her face and rubbing his forehead against hers. “Have I ever told you I’m the luckiest guy in the world?”

  “All the time.”

  “I don’t plan on going anywhere, you know. As soon as I’m able, I want to make babies the old-fashioned way.”

  She grinned. “Oh, yeah? Me too. Now get some sleep, Daddy.”

  He smiled. “Daddy. I like that.” He lay back down and winced in pain, his hand reaching out to his leg.

  “Sore? Let me rub them. How’s that?” She massaged his achy muscles vigorously, returning his smile.

  “Much better, Mrs. McShane. Remember when you used to write our names together on your notebooks in school? You’d draw a big heart around them and then get yelled at by Ms. Tate.”

  She laughed. “Yeah, but I didn’t care. I knew I’d marry you one day.”

  A gust of wind blew into the barn, bringing her back to the present. She looked down at the red notebook in her hands, the one with their names in a heart, not realizing she had grabbed that one.

  Was it a sign for her to have the baby? She didn’t know what anything meant anymore. What was right? It had been years since she missed Scott. Time had a way of healing a hurt so deep.

  After tracing the heart with her finger, she wiped her eyes and put the notebook back into the box. How could she go back on a promise to a man she loved like that? He’d never forgive her. He made her swear and even write it down right before he went into surgery.

  After closing the box, she kicked it into the corner and did the same with the others. There were so many boxes that belonged to her parents, but that was for another day, if ever. She needed her mom so much in this moment, needed her advice.

  Year after year, she had put off the inevitable. The promise of her life. Scott’s life was taken from him, and she owed it to him to keep her promise. To let his life bloom again in his child.